what women want


What Every Woman Wants ... 
by Murphy Toerner, MA, LPC, NCC, LMFT

Do you remember your first date? My first date took place while I was in 7th grade. He guy rode his bike to the school dance and my father dropped me off. I wore an emerald green dress that was satin. I was scared. I was nervous. However, all through the evening, we danced and laughed and danced some more. We had a great time.

Yes, we had a great time even though there was no expensive dinner. There was no limousine. There were no party pics and there was (for sure) no "kiss." Yet, it was a lot of fun. I felt special, I felt beautiful and I felt chosen.

Every woman longs to be: noticed, pursued, and appreciated. Every woman desires to be chosen and SPECIAL. Every woman needs to know that she is valued; that she is attractive and maybe even beautiful. Every woman wants to have a sense of hope for the future. Every woman wants to experience healthy relationships and healthy intimacy.

There are tons of "life-lessons" and messages we learn along the way. Often, we learn messages like: you are ordinary; you are common. Sometimes we receive messages that define us as: expendable and disposable. Sometimes we learn specific lessons from the way people treat us (or mistreat us). The treatment and/or maltreatment communicates that we are unimportant, disqualified and perhaps, even ugly. Other messages imply that we are not valuable nor are we honorable; we are not to be treated with dignity nor are we to be viewed as ones who are made in the image of God.

In the book, The Sacred Romance, the authors (B. Curtis & J. Eldredge) wrote, "We come into the world longing to be special to someone and from the start we are disappointed. It is a rare soul indeed who has been sought after for who she is -- not because of what she can do, or what others can gain from her, but simply for herself..." "Can you recall a time when a significant someone in your life sat down with the sole purpose of wanting to know your heart more deeply, fully expecting to enjoy what they found there?" (p. 83) "More people have climbed Mount Everest than have experienced real pursuit and so what are we left to conclude? ... That there is noting in our hearts worth knowing. Who ever and what ever this mystery called 'I' must be, it can not be much." (p. 84)

God designed women with unique longings and desires. It is no "mistake" that we desire to be loved. It is not "weird" to want to be wanted. It is God's divine design. It is NORMAL. These are right and good. If you have ever studied psychology, you know that every person NEEDS to be touched. We need to be given attention. We need safe attachments; we need to feel secure and significant.

Personally, I believe that every woman needs to know that she is: lovable and valuable; attractive and beautiful; interesting and worth being pursued. Every woman needs to know that her presence makes a difference and she brings something unique to every group she is a part of. She needs reassurance that the future will not always be as bleak as it seems in the present. She needs to experience healthy dynamics in each of her unique relationships (as wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend). She needs to be believe that there are a "few" people with whom she can really be herself and still be accepted ... if not celebrated.

So, where am I going with this? I believe with all my heart that these deep needs can be and will be met in our relationships with: God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. As we come to know each person of the God-head for who they really are ... and ... as we are able to love them and be loved by them, our deepest needs will be met. When these transactions happen we will become increasingly settled in our souls. As the love, acceptance, forgiveness, blessings, grace, mercy, (and everything else that one receives when they enter into the family of God), we will walk in a manner worthy of our calling. We will not feel compelled to prove that we are OK or prove that we have value. We will have the ability to be in silence and solitude and not feel lonely at all. We will experience the peace of God which surpasses all comprehension.

How does this happen? When we get to a place when we seek God simply for who He is and not for what He does. When we stop approaching Him as our "vending machine in the sky"; the "man" upstairs; our co-pilot; or a "god" we simply put in a box and only call on him when we need or want something; when we truly experience His love, character and ways; when we accept that we are unequivocally forgiven, adored, and accepted by the God of the universe ... something within us happens. We begin to see Him as He is. He is the father that we always wanted but never had. He is the nurturer we longed for but never knew. He is the friend who is always faithful and He is the husband who will never leave us nor forsake us.

When we really know God, something happens on the inside of us as women. We begin seeing ourselves as the daughters of a King and sisters of a Prince. We more readily accept the idea that there is a power-source indwelling us, who is able to give us courage, wisdom, power, determination, and perhaps most importantly ... HOPE.

Think about it ...

Beside you in Christ,

Murphy Toerner (May, 2006)

About the Author

Murphy Toerner is a Christian counselor in private practice in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. She is an LPC, NCC, and LMFT. She is the founder and director of Murphy Toerner and Associates, Inc. If you would like to read more articles by Murphy Toerner please check out her webstie ... www.murphytoerner.com


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what women want


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